What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 08:10
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
So, i spoilt her more .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why don't some people like the 10 Commandments?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Comes on , in middle age.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
One cannot live in the past .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was 9 years of age.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She found it foreign!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I don,t even have a pension.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I’m 17 and looking for a girl. What do I do?
Put me off passion for life!!
I said to her
I never cut or harmed myself..
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
What did i know ?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I think the readers, may guess!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I was seconnd youngest,
It was going to be , some day.
I could never make a relationship work though!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
All the time i was locked up.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
This is soul school!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She loved him until the end.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And i lived it daily.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But ive been too sick for many years..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
When she asked me how she looked .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was very sick at this time too.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Ive learnt so much.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But, we were locked up after school.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She wouldn,t have been !
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My family never makes their pension either.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I write beautiful poetry .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I will be 64.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I waited trembling.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Who then, do I blame.?
As i do to all so called friends.?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Was to survive, this bastard.
We were not on the streets..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
So whats the point in blame.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Im still living with it.
He knew the spot.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But it wasn’t much.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She was in good health!
My life is so biszare .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We all went to grammer schools
She married twice! .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why did i forgive my father ?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was scared of men, in general
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I have no regrets .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Would this be the day?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.